No one understands violence until it has touched one in a very intimate way. Especially when it snuffs out a life before it could even begin or ripen.
I picked up Lovely Bones thinking it was about the fantasy of a heavenly creature playfully messing with people’s lives on earth. I thought it would give my late sister a kick if I read it and thought of her in the lead.
I hunkered down and opened the first page. I read two sentences then slammed it shut. Murder. Girl. Young. Deep breath. Well, I knew it was about a dead person, didn’t I? Fine, it will get better.
On page 66, I felt I have been reading it for weeks and had put it down several times. On 211, I was a mess and ymed my other sister faraway telling her not to even think about picking up this book and watching the movie. After I briefly gave the plot, we talked no more. We did not say goodbye. I guess she was in as much mess as I was.
Five years on, the pain of watching someone so young, so beautiful fight determinedly to live despite her broken, irreparable body is still unbearable. I felt it all over again, seeing her lose the fight and feeling all her emotions – angry, sad, lonely – in me afterward.
People read Lovely Bones and they think amazing fantasy, original thought, bravo. Others would disregard it for a nut job.
I relived everything that I experienced after my sister’s death. I was Ruth, who saw her after she left and later felt and heard everything she was thinking. I was Lindsey who sometimes felt she was carrying her dead sister inside her, like a twin. I also talked to my sister when I was in pain over something. I told her I wish she were alive to enjoy this or that experience. Then I thought she was in a much better place than us down here. I hoped so.
Where is she now?
When we lost her, and after feeling her hang on to me all the time like a baby twin (someone explained that when we become souls, we shrink hence I felt her to be small), I felt her leave me. She would go telling me she’ll roam and then come back. Others felt her too (so I knew I was not completely crazy). Then her murderer was found, and I did not see her anymore. Later I imagined her on a swing, everything was white, flowers, her dress and she was carefree and happy. I felt relieved, was she finally in heaven? I hope she moved on. For her closure. And for mine.
I trudged on with the book. I felt compelled to finish it. Why? I was fighting not to feel my sister again. I don’t want to communicate again. I can’t bear it. I’m sorry I’m not strong for you. Please go away.
Then there it was, when Susie Salmon fell to earth.
I knew my sister loved someone. When she lay fighting, she allowed visitors to see her. I’ve never seen so many people stream through. Some brave and comforting. Others just broke down openly in front of her (I wanted to knock their heads). We asked her to stop receiving, that she could see visitors when she was well again (I wouldn’t want everyone to see me with tubes down my throat and me unable to speak or feel anything from the neck down), she signaled to let them through. Later I knew she was waiting for someone. I asked her friends to let that person know what happened to her.
He came at the wake. I knew he was the one because I felt my sister’s heart jump with joy when he came into the room. We watched while he mourned. My sister basked in his presence.
I picked up the book again and looked hard at the back cover summary. There, it said it was about a killer, unsolved murder, unraveling family. Why did I not see this when I was at the bookstore? I only read the part about Susie Salmon watching life on earth continue then paid for it.
Was that it? Did she want to tell of this love? I hope I just did it for her.
My family did not unravel, but it was close. We all wanted to die at the same time. Like Ohana – nobody got left behind. No mother, no parent, should ever live through it. But Mom did. Like so many parents did.
Life did continue, life was happy. And we never forgot. She lives on in us. The pain is there with the memory. It will never go away, will never fade as many other painful memories do.
But you will always be loved, I promise. I love you so much, we all do. Be at peace.
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